"Ability to spin like a top, lie through your teeth, keep a straight face, and sell your soul on a near daily basis"
Beancounter
· 1 year ago
Must be able to believe, on a daily basis, that fantasy and reality are synonyms.
Joe Schmoe
· 1 year ago
She must be entering the convent.
Pot calling kettle
· 1 year ago
Ability to suspend disbelief.
the commuter once known as So
· 1 year ago
I'm just wondering who's leaving, and where they're going.
Cassandra
· 1 year ago
Maybe nobody is leaving.
Maybe this is yet another high-paid (by the taxpayer) Dem Machine job to spread Blago's word.
the commuter once known as So
· 1 year ago
Oh, whoops...I didn't read some of the other linked articles closely enough. My bad. Sorry for the question.
wordslinger
· 1 year ago
Ability to:
Swallow pride
Keep a straight voice
Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil
Detect concealed recording devices
Personal criminal attorney on retailer a plus.
Odd that a job like this is posted. It's not required, is it? The qualifications are so low I assume they have someone who can just meet them already lined up.
A Citizen
· 1 year ago
Have and wear several asbestos suits/trousers/slacks so no one will be able to say "Liar liar pants on fire" and make it stick.
Joe in the Know
· 1 year ago
To: the commuter once known as So Ill:
What other linked articles? I didn't see any other links other than the job description.
Mr. T
· 1 year ago
I pity the fool that takes this job.
Ghost
· 1 year ago
* Must have experience in the care and handling of the deranged. * Must not be constrained by the truth or reality. * Hanah Montana tickets a plus.
tin man
· 1 year ago
Must have a B A in BS!!
Anonymoose
· 1 year ago
Experience working with federal law enforcement agencies considered a plus.
what a joke
· 1 year ago
Must have teflon for skin, and not care if your opinion is contiunally ignored.
Must not care if career is completely ruined by the BS that you dish out & colleagues you must trash.
Must be able to lie on a daily basis & not care.
Must have attitude.
Michelle Flaherty
· 1 year ago
Vision plan includes free rose-colored glasses. YOU MUST WEAR THEM.
L.S.
· 1 year ago
Can you repeat the following statements over and over: 1. we're doing things for people. 2. there are 1.4 million people without healthcare. 3. I'm not public official A. 4. They don't agree with us because they hate healthcare and children. ...you're hired.
North of I-80
· 1 year ago
The Guy From Boston has it all sewn up.... gifted $5K to Governor'd daughters, donated to Cari, Levine, Rezko and has 100's of free Hannah Montana, Blackhawk, Bulls, White Sox, Cubs and Bears tickets. Took acting classes and has been working in public relations; married to twin sister of Patrick J Fitzgerald. Who could compete with this?
Chicago Cynic
· 1 year ago
* Ability to keep a straight face regardless of the size of the whopper being peddled. * Ability to convincingly and repeatedly mouth the line "the governor cannot comment about an ongoing investigation" followed shortly thereafter by the line "indictment is not conviction...indictment is not conviction...indictment is not conviction."
Rhomberg Rabbitt
· 1 year ago
The ability to tell what party the Speaker of the House belongs to.
Some experience in hair consulting a plus.
Willing to live in free accommodations on the taxpayer's dime.
Some experience in airborne snack-delivery and airline- type hostess duties.
Squideshi
· 1 year ago
Position Responsibilities: * Maintain official "Good Journalist, Bad Reporter" list * Reward friendly journalists with access to appropriate information * Never acknowledge the existence of Rich Whitney, or any party, other than the Democratic and Republican parties, in Illinois
Competencies/Qualifications: * Ability to frame any failure as success * Penchant for dodging pointed questions * Experience campaigning for elected officials, preferably Democrats
Arthur Andersen
· 1 year ago
-must not suffer from vertigo
-no pre-employment polygraph examination required
bacon-wrapped bacon
· 1 year ago
So, which rat is leaving the ship this time to "spend more time with family" or "Pursue other interests in the Private Sector"?
I have your perfect candidate
· 1 year ago
Bill, it would be a crime for them not to give you this job. Unless you still have that Iraqi Military PR Spokesman thing going on.
Crimefighter
· 1 year ago
*Must accept a full frontal lobotomy where you lose permanently the ability to think for yourself.
Patriot
· 1 year ago
Sounds like the perfect job for Bill.
Huckleberry
· 1 year ago
So where's Abby going?
wordslinger
· 1 year ago
How about Baghdad Bob, Saddam's old military spokesman?
capitol view
· 1 year ago
I read somewhere that the current scheduler is leaving for the campaign staff. Perhaps the press director is as well; it's all about campaigning and appearance rather than governing.
Just My Opinion
· 1 year ago
Assuming Abby and Rebecca will still be around and there will be a third press spokesperson added, will the Spin Sisters now be known as the Spin Tripsters, or Spin Twisters?
Rich Miller
· 1 year ago
Cardenas is leaving.
anonymous
· 1 year ago
must be able to adapt a foreign accent in order to say "no speak English" convincingly
Little Egypt
· 1 year ago
"* Ability to implement long-term media strategies, as well as react to rapid-response needs from internal and external sources on a daily basis"
Since when has Elvis ever had a long-term media strategy? My impression is his strategy has been "by the seat of his pants", put out fires with a squirt gun. His rapid response to his perceived "internal sources" get him a subpoena to go to court so the "internal source" can get their jobs back. Rapid response to external sources - well I've got to stop laughing and wetting my pants before I can give my opinion about that one.
Perhaps a low IQ should be a job requirement because I can't think of anyone with an ounce of integrity or self pride who would apply for this job, not now, now ever.
If It Walks Like a Duck...
· 1 year ago
Past experience in Professional Prevarication (Yeah, Morgan Fairchild is my girlfriend, that's the ticket!)
Anon from BB
· 1 year ago
* Must have a "thinking outside the box" mindset when confronting "ethics" issues
Bill
· 1 year ago
Thanks for thinking of me but I couldn't afford the pay cut. Little e, Try to be nice for a change.
Jake from Elwood
· 1 year ago
Surely these requirements were omitted. . . *Creative writing experience is necessary. *Must be able to cope with the smells of both manure and jet fuel, often simultaneously. *Must be able to speak out of both sides of ones face.
True Comparison
· 1 year ago
Must have the ability to retain a poised demeanor when taunted with, "Liar, liar, pants on fire".
Impeach Ray Lytle
· 1 year ago
They've had a very consistent media strategy since day one;
If it is something good or popular, Put Rod's name on it. Several times.
If a state agency does anything good, attribute it to Rod.
If the legislature does anything good, attribute it to Rod.
If it's a popular or good action, have Rod take credit for it. Preferably, have every state agency Director spend their entire job going to events as a Rod surrogate.
If the governor can make a comment on something that is totally out of his power or jurisdiction, from foreign policy to other state's business to sports to weather, put out a detailed, opinionated press release about it.
If an issue is complex, be sure to oversimplify it in order to pander to the highest possible number of voters.
Make up strawmen and boogiemen targets and make a big deal out of attacking them so Rod can look brave and active.
Forget failed programs as if they never existed.
Blame Bush.
Blame anybody named Madigan.
Blame George Ryan and all Republicans.
Deny any negative fact. When the denial fails, assign blame, preferably to a Madigan.
Little Egypt
· 1 year ago
Bill, I am being nice. I'm not picking on you.
Sir Reel
· 1 year ago
If only our press/communications people were like Pinnochio, with noses that grew longer with each lie. Would make for some quick Guinness Book of World Records' nose length records!
Wanna Get Away
· 1 year ago
* Ability to conjure at least 100 different ways to say "the Governor is the way and the light; the Speaker is a corrupt crackpot."
* Ability to purge every ethical bone from your body.
* Willing to do ANYTHING for Rod Blagojevich (including going to jail for him).
* If you stick with this Governor, you will do very well for yourself. (You may even lobby someday.)
VanillaMan
· 1 year ago
VM – Hello?
RR – VanillaMan? This is Rebecca Rausch! How are you?
VM – Fine, but you know I have to ask what everyone needs to ask when a Blagojevich administration representative calls, right?
RR – No. You are not being recorded. Listen, I wanted to get your thoughts about something. We’re looking for a new Press Secretary. Gerardo Cardenas is leaving and he asked that I give you a call.
VM – That’s because he doesn’t like me.
RR – I don’t either, but I’m just doing what he suggested. He told me to brainstorm with VanillaMan about what a new Press Secretary would need to do to win Illinoians like him over to the Governor’s point of view.
VM – You guys ever thought about getting a new governor? I’m flattered, but I don’t have to tell you what the next Blagojevich press spokesvictim is going to have to deal with. You can help them out by steering them to the correct medications for queasiness, fainting, excessive gas, uncontrollable bouts of anxiety, and back pain. You know what the tastiest flavor of Kiwi boot polish is, and how to giggle on cue. I mean, just how can you prepare a person to be a spokesvictim for Governor Sybil? You never know what is going to fall out of his mouth when his head starts rotating.
The next guy is going to have to know how to deal with big stinky messes like a mother of newborn quads. He is going to need to learn a second language that includes phrases like, “I didn’t say thatâ€, “I think I don’t rememberâ€, and “Ask mommy.†He’s going to need to learn to cry very softly so that no one hears him. OH GEEZ, and a BIG ONE – He’s going to need a really GREAT lawyer!
Are you still there? You’re awfully quiet.
RR – Oh, sorry. I think my cell phone just rang. Can you speak slower and clearer please?
VM – Hey! Whose breathing on the other line? It’s YOU isn’t it Governor?!
‘click’
In the Sticks
· 1 year ago
Within 6 months of the start of the current administration, it was very clear to ordinary state employees that they had only 3 objectives: 1. Positive press for the Governor, and national press was much better than local. 2. Do anything necessary to elect the Governor to higher office. 3. Place Democrats in every possible job - with no concern for qualifications. If they were Democrats, they certainly would be much more capable than any prior holder of the position.
Nothing has changed.
razzle-dazzle
· 1 year ago
I'm gonna use Patti B. as my realtor, will that get me this job?
OneManBlog
· 1 year ago
-- Comfort in flying in State aircraft -- The ability to keep a straight face when you have to say some really funny stuff. -- Hockey or Soccer goalies prefered -- Strong knowledge of all player statistics for the Chicago Cubs over the past 100 years. -- Ability to pronounce the governors name -- Ability to say 'He is not Public Official A' without bursting into laughter
Commonsense in Illinois
· 1 year ago
You know, it might be more efficient and cost effective for Rebbecca to move to Chicago. No news is made in Springfield from the 2nd floor and the governor could finish consolidating the office to the campaign office. Think of the electric lights savings...
Trafficmatt
· 1 year ago
Additional Job Requirements:
- Has to be a Cubs fan - Can be a substitute dancer if those crazy Jewish guys ask to have the Governor dance with them like in that video this summer. - Did not grow up in Bridgeport - Is not currently a resident in the Illinois House District #22 or has never worked for Michael Madigan. Ability to produce a working voodoo doll of the Illinois Speaker is a plus. - Must be able to sing all the words of "Jailhouse Rock". Ability to sing in a convincing Elvis voice is a plus. - Must agree to continue employment on site if the Governor is relocated to any Federal facility.
Additional Benefits - Will receive either a bottle of Tylenol or a 5th of Jack Daniels every month for "recuperative reasons" - Will get to sing at the Cubs 7th Inning Stretch once a year as long as the applicant can prove that they can sing better than Kelly Pickler did. - Will get free coupons to the Governor's personal hair stylist.
DC
· 1 year ago
Ability to spell "republican activist" without using spell-check;
Proven ability to ignore requests from state agencies;
Provide testamonial on how a family member needed health care one time;
Ability to restrain laughter when contacted by Lt. Governor's Press Secretary;
Ability to attempt state ethics test within 180 days of hire;
Ability to tell a seasoned reporter twice your age that he/she doesn't know about journalism.
Willingness to accept covert assignments videotaping certain members of the legislature;
Proven experience with developing distorted pictures;
Willingness to delegate certain PR-related efforts to other non-government entitites as required by other senior level staff.
Ability to obtain appropriate attire for Senate and House chambers (semi-annual appearances as needed)
Willing to learn "QWERTY" keyboard operations within six months of hire.
Wisdom teeth optional.
Frank Booth
· 1 year ago
The man for the job is Dennis Culloton, the David Gergen of Illinois government and politics. Rod's already hired George's law firm, why not his former spokesman? Culloton's got four years of practice denying the identity of Official A and being convincing when saying things like: "The governor didn't know anything about it."
They could hit the road as a trio: Dennis and the SpinSisters perform their No. 1 hit, "Don't worry, be happy."
Gregg
· 1 year ago
This should be a short term job, Blago is going to jail soon "Bubba" will be making all the press announcements in regards to the former Gov. and what He is doing or having done to Him! Have a nice trip Rod!
DM
· 1 year ago
Dominic Longo should apply
Garp
· 1 year ago
Hey Frank Booth,
Maybe they don't need to hire Dennis Culloton, just get old videotapes and copies of his press statements and replay them. You know-recycle.
Frank Booth
· 1 year ago
Garp. Great idea. They could set up a voice mail system with Dennis' greatest hits:
Press 1 if you're calling about the identity of people named in federal court documents. "The governor knows nothing about it."
Press 2 if you're calling about fundraising irregularities. "The governor knows nothing about it."
Press 3 if you're calling about political pals getting jobs. "The governor knows nothing about it."
Silent Majority
· 1 year ago
Addtitional Requirements: PhD in child psychology mandatory Juvenile insane asylum experience a plus
Marbley
· 1 year ago
I was almost sure my son fit this position. Only two problems. 1. He dislikes Napoleon or anything that appears like him. 2. Hates Elvis music and he is unable to work under tight deadlines. lol
Holdingontomywallet
· 1 year ago
A couple of Emmy's and an Academy Award would be a plus...
All Comments
Maybe this is yet another high-paid (by the taxpayer) Dem Machine job to spread Blago's word.
Swallow pride
Keep a straight voice
Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil
Detect concealed recording devices
Personal criminal attorney on retailer a plus.
Odd that a job like this is posted. It's not required, is it? The qualifications are so low I assume they have someone who can just meet them already lined up.
What other linked articles? I didn't see any other links other than the job description.
* Must not be constrained by the truth or reality.
* Hanah Montana tickets a plus.
Must not care if career is completely ruined by the BS that you dish out & colleagues you must trash.
Must be able to lie on a daily basis & not care.
Must have attitude.
* Ability to convincingly and repeatedly mouth the line "the governor cannot comment about an ongoing investigation" followed shortly thereafter by the line "indictment is not conviction...indictment is not conviction...indictment is not conviction."
Some experience in hair consulting a plus.
Willing to live in free accommodations on the taxpayer's dime.
Some experience in airborne snack-delivery and airline- type hostess duties.
* Maintain official "Good Journalist, Bad Reporter" list
* Reward friendly journalists with access to appropriate information
* Never acknowledge the existence of Rich Whitney, or any party, other than the Democratic and Republican parties, in Illinois
Competencies/Qualifications:
* Ability to frame any failure as success
* Penchant for dodging pointed questions
* Experience campaigning for elected officials, preferably Democrats
-no pre-employment polygraph examination required
Since when has Elvis ever had a long-term media strategy? My impression is his strategy has been "by the seat of his pants", put out fires with a squirt gun. His rapid response to his perceived "internal sources" get him a subpoena to go to court so the "internal source" can get their jobs back. Rapid response to external sources - well I've got to stop laughing and wetting my pants before I can give my opinion about that one.
Perhaps a low IQ should be a job requirement because I can't think of anyone with an ounce of integrity or self pride who would apply for this job, not now, now ever.
Little e,
Try to be nice for a change.
*Creative writing experience is necessary.
*Must be able to cope with the smells of both manure and jet fuel, often simultaneously.
*Must be able to speak out of both sides of ones face.
If it is something good or popular, Put Rod's name on it. Several times.
If a state agency does anything good, attribute it to Rod.
If the legislature does anything good, attribute it to Rod.
If it's a popular or good action, have Rod take credit for it. Preferably, have every state agency Director spend their entire job going to events as a Rod surrogate.
If the governor can make a comment on something that is totally out of his power or jurisdiction, from foreign policy to other state's business to sports to weather, put out a detailed, opinionated press release about it.
If an issue is complex, be sure to oversimplify it in order to pander to the highest possible number of voters.
Make up strawmen and boogiemen targets and make a big deal out of attacking them so Rod can look brave and active.
Forget failed programs as if they never existed.
Blame Bush.
Blame anybody named Madigan.
Blame George Ryan and all Republicans.
Deny any negative fact. When the denial fails, assign blame, preferably to a Madigan.
* Ability to purge every ethical bone from your body.
* Willing to do ANYTHING for Rod Blagojevich (including going to jail for him).
* If you stick with this Governor, you will do very well for yourself. (You may even lobby someday.)
RR – VanillaMan? This is Rebecca Rausch! How are you?
VM – Fine, but you know I have to ask what everyone needs to ask when a Blagojevich administration representative calls, right?
RR – No. You are not being recorded. Listen, I wanted to get your thoughts about something. We’re looking for a new Press Secretary. Gerardo Cardenas is leaving and he asked that I give you a call.
VM – That’s because he doesn’t like me.
RR – I don’t either, but I’m just doing what he suggested. He told me to brainstorm with VanillaMan about what a new Press Secretary would need to do to win Illinoians like him over to the Governor’s point of view.
VM – You guys ever thought about getting a new governor? I’m flattered, but I don’t have to tell you what the next Blagojevich press spokesvictim is going to have to deal with. You can help them out by steering them to the correct medications for queasiness, fainting, excessive gas, uncontrollable bouts of anxiety, and back pain. You know what the tastiest flavor of Kiwi boot polish is, and how to giggle on cue. I mean, just how can you prepare a person to be a spokesvictim for Governor Sybil? You never know what is going to fall out of his mouth when his head starts rotating.
The next guy is going to have to know how to deal with big stinky messes like a mother of newborn quads. He is going to need to learn a second language that includes phrases like, “I didn’t say thatâ€, “I think I don’t rememberâ€, and “Ask mommy.†He’s going to need to learn to cry very softly so that no one hears him. OH GEEZ, and a BIG ONE – He’s going to need a really GREAT lawyer!
Are you still there? You’re awfully quiet.
RR – Oh, sorry. I think my cell phone just rang. Can you speak slower and clearer please?
VM – Hey! Whose breathing on the other line? It’s YOU isn’t it Governor?!
‘click’
1. Positive press for the Governor, and national press was much better than local.
2. Do anything necessary to elect the Governor to higher office.
3. Place Democrats in every possible job - with no concern for qualifications. If they were Democrats, they certainly would be much more capable than any prior holder of the position.
Nothing has changed.
-- The ability to keep a straight face when you have to say some really funny stuff.
-- Hockey or Soccer goalies prefered
-- Strong knowledge of all player statistics for the Chicago Cubs over the past 100 years.
-- Ability to pronounce the governors name
-- Ability to say 'He is not Public Official A' without bursting into laughter
- Has to be a Cubs fan
- Can be a substitute dancer if those crazy Jewish guys ask to have the Governor dance with them like in that video this summer.
- Did not grow up in Bridgeport
- Is not currently a resident in the Illinois House District #22 or has never worked for Michael Madigan. Ability to produce a working voodoo doll of the Illinois Speaker is a plus.
- Must be able to sing all the words of "Jailhouse Rock". Ability to sing in a convincing Elvis voice is a plus.
- Must agree to continue employment on site if the Governor is relocated to any Federal facility.
Additional Benefits
- Will receive either a bottle of Tylenol or a 5th of Jack Daniels every month for "recuperative reasons"
- Will get to sing at the Cubs 7th Inning Stretch once a year as long as the applicant can prove that they can sing better than Kelly Pickler did.
- Will get free coupons to the Governor's personal hair stylist.
Proven ability to ignore requests from state agencies;
Provide testamonial on how a family member needed health care one time;
Ability to restrain laughter when contacted by Lt. Governor's Press Secretary;
Ability to attempt state ethics test within 180 days of hire;
Ability to tell a seasoned reporter twice your age that he/she doesn't know about journalism.
Willingness to accept covert assignments videotaping certain members of the legislature;
Proven experience with developing distorted pictures;
Willingness to delegate certain PR-related efforts to other non-government entitites as required by other senior level staff.
Ability to obtain appropriate attire for Senate and House chambers (semi-annual appearances as needed)
Willing to learn "QWERTY" keyboard operations within six months of hire.
Wisdom teeth optional.
Rod's already hired George's law firm, why not his former spokesman?
Culloton's got four years of practice denying the identity of Official A and being convincing when saying things like:
"The governor didn't know anything about it."
They could hit the road as a trio: Dennis and the SpinSisters perform their No. 1 hit, "Don't worry, be happy."
Maybe they don't need to hire Dennis Culloton, just get old videotapes and copies of his press statements and replay them. You know-recycle.
Press 1 if you're calling about the identity of people named in federal court documents.
"The governor knows nothing about it."
Press 2 if you're calling about fundraising irregularities.
"The governor knows nothing about it."
Press 3 if you're calling about political pals getting jobs.
"The governor knows nothing about it."
PhD in child psychology mandatory
Juvenile insane asylum experience a plus
1. He dislikes Napoleon or anything that appears like him.
2. Hates Elvis music and he is unable to work under tight deadlines. lol