CapitolFax.com - Latest Comments in Job qualifications

Re: Job qualifications

Wumpus — Tue, 08 Jan 2008 10:03:18 -0000

Smile like the Chesshire Cat (Abby O).

Re: Job qualifications

Holdingontomywallet — Mon, 07 Jan 2008 22:25:55 -0000

A couple of Emmy's and an Academy Award would be a plus...

Re: Job qualifications

Marbley — Mon, 07 Jan 2008 19:04:47 -0000

I was almost sure my son fit this position. Only two problems.
1. He dislikes Napoleon or anything that appears like him.
2. Hates Elvis music and he is unable to work under tight deadlines. lol

Re: Job qualifications

Silent Majority — Mon, 07 Jan 2008 18:41:44 -0000

Addtitional Requirements:
PhD in child psychology mandatory
Juvenile insane asylum experience a plus

Re: Job qualifications

Frank Booth — Mon, 07 Jan 2008 18:26:06 -0000

Garp. Great idea. They could set up a voice mail system with Dennis' greatest hits:

Press 1 if you're calling about the identity of people named in federal court documents.
"The governor knows nothing about it."

Press 2 if you're calling about fundraising irregularities.
"The governor knows nothing about it."

Press 3 if you're calling about political pals getting jobs.
"The governor knows nothing about it."

Re: Job qualifications

Garp — Mon, 07 Jan 2008 18:20:57 -0000

Hey Frank Booth,

Maybe they don't need to hire Dennis Culloton, just get old videotapes and copies of his press statements and replay them. You know-recycle.

Re: Job qualifications

DM — Mon, 07 Jan 2008 17:57:25 -0000

Dominic Longo should apply

Re: Job qualifications

Gregg — Mon, 07 Jan 2008 17:44:04 -0000

This should be a short term job, Blago is going to jail soon "Bubba" will be making all the press announcements in regards to the former Gov. and what He is doing or having done to Him! Have a nice trip Rod!

Re: Job qualifications

Frank Booth — Mon, 07 Jan 2008 17:42:21 -0000

The man for the job is Dennis Culloton, the David Gergen of Illinois government and politics.
Rod's already hired George's law firm, why not his former spokesman?
Culloton's got four years of practice denying the identity of Official A and being convincing when saying things like:
"The governor didn't know anything about it."

They could hit the road as a trio: Dennis and the SpinSisters perform their No. 1 hit, "Don't worry, be happy."

Re: Job qualifications

DC — Mon, 07 Jan 2008 17:32:14 -0000

Ability to spell "republican activist" without using spell-check;

Proven ability to ignore requests from state agencies;

Provide testamonial on how a family member needed health care one time;

Ability to restrain laughter when contacted by Lt. Governor's Press Secretary;

Ability to attempt state ethics test within 180 days of hire;

Ability to tell a seasoned reporter twice your age that he/she doesn't know about journalism.

Willingness to accept covert assignments videotaping certain members of the legislature;

Proven experience with developing distorted pictures;

Willingness to delegate certain PR-related efforts to other non-government entitites as required by other senior level staff.

Ability to obtain appropriate attire for Senate and House chambers (semi-annual appearances as needed)

Willing to learn "QWERTY" keyboard operations within six months of hire.

Wisdom teeth optional.

Re: Job qualifications

Trafficmatt — Mon, 07 Jan 2008 16:50:37 -0000

Additional Job Requirements:

- Has to be a Cubs fan
- Can be a substitute dancer if those crazy Jewish guys ask to have the Governor dance with them like in that video this summer.
- Did not grow up in Bridgeport
- Is not currently a resident in the Illinois House District #22 or has never worked for Michael Madigan. Ability to produce a working voodoo doll of the Illinois Speaker is a plus.
- Must be able to sing all the words of "Jailhouse Rock". Ability to sing in a convincing Elvis voice is a plus.
- Must agree to continue employment on site if the Governor is relocated to any Federal facility.

Additional Benefits
- Will receive either a bottle of Tylenol or a 5th of Jack Daniels every month for "recuperative reasons"
- Will get to sing at the Cubs 7th Inning Stretch once a year as long as the applicant can prove that they can sing better than Kelly Pickler did.
- Will get free coupons to the Governor's personal hair stylist.

Re: Job qualifications

Commonsense in Illinois — Mon, 07 Jan 2008 16:30:40 -0000

You know, it might be more efficient and cost effective for Rebbecca to move to Chicago. No news is made in Springfield from the 2nd floor and the governor could finish consolidating the office to the campaign office. Think of the electric lights savings...

Re: Job qualifications

OneManBlog — Mon, 07 Jan 2008 16:28:17 -0000

-- Comfort in flying in State aircraft
-- The ability to keep a straight face when you have to say some really funny stuff.
-- Hockey or Soccer goalies prefered
-- Strong knowledge of all player statistics for the Chicago Cubs over the past 100 years.
-- Ability to pronounce the governors name
-- Ability to say 'He is not Public Official A' without bursting into laughter

Re: Job qualifications

razzle-dazzle — Mon, 07 Jan 2008 16:11:47 -0000

I'm gonna use Patti B. as my realtor, will that get me this job?

Re: Job qualifications

In the Sticks — Mon, 07 Jan 2008 16:05:32 -0000

Within 6 months of the start of the current administration, it was very clear to ordinary state employees that they had only 3 objectives:
1. Positive press for the Governor, and national press was much better than local.
2. Do anything necessary to elect the Governor to higher office.
3. Place Democrats in every possible job - with no concern for qualifications. If they were Democrats, they certainly would be much more capable than any prior holder of the position.

Nothing has changed.

Re: Job qualifications

VanillaMan — Mon, 07 Jan 2008 15:48:23 -0000

VM â€“ Hello?

RR â€“ VanillaMan? This is Rebecca Rausch! How are you?

VM â€“ Fine, but you know I have to ask what everyone needs to ask when a Blagojevich administration representative calls, right?

RR â€“ No. You are not being recorded. Listen, I wanted to get your thoughts about something. Weâ€™re looking for a new Press Secretary. Gerardo Cardenas is leaving and he asked that I give you a call.

VM â€“ Thatâ€™s because he doesnâ€™t like me.

RR â€“ I donâ€™t either, but Iâ€™m just doing what he suggested. He told me to brainstorm with VanillaMan about what a new Press Secretary would need to do to win Illinoians like him over to the Governorâ€™s point of view.

VM â€“ You guys ever thought about getting a new governor? Iâ€™m flattered, but I donâ€™t have to tell you what the next Blagojevich press spokesvictim is going to have to deal with. You can help them out by steering them to the correct medications for queasiness, fainting, excessive gas, uncontrollable bouts of anxiety, and back pain. You know what the tastiest flavor of Kiwi boot polish is, and how to giggle on cue. I mean, just how can you prepare a person to be a spokesvictim for Governor Sybil? You never know what is going to fall out of his mouth when his head starts rotating.

The next guy is going to have to know how to deal with big stinky messes like a mother of newborn quads. He is going to need to learn a second language that includes phrases like, â€œI didnâ€™t say thatâ€, â€œI think I donâ€™t rememberâ€, and â€œAsk mommy.â€ Heâ€™s going to need to learn to cry very softly so that no one hears him. OH GEEZ, and a BIG ONE â€“ Heâ€™s going to need a really GREAT lawyer!

Are you still there? Youâ€™re awfully quiet.

RR â€“ Oh, sorry. I think my cell phone just rang. Can you speak slower and clearer please?

VM â€“ Hey! Whose breathing on the other line? Itâ€™s YOU isnâ€™t it Governor?!

â€˜clickâ€™

Re: Job qualifications

Wanna Get Away — Mon, 07 Jan 2008 15:46:10 -0000

* Ability to conjure at least 100 different ways to say "the Governor is the way and the light; the Speaker is a corrupt crackpot."

* Ability to purge every ethical bone from your body.

* Willing to do ANYTHING for Rod Blagojevich (including going to jail for him).

* If you stick with this Governor, you will do very well for yourself. (You may even lobby someday.)

Re: Job qualifications

Sir Reel — Mon, 07 Jan 2008 15:44:22 -0000

If only our press/communications people were like Pinnochio, with noses that grew longer with each lie. Would make for some quick Guinness Book of World Records' nose length records!

Re: Job qualifications

Little Egypt — Mon, 07 Jan 2008 15:33:55 -0000

Bill, I am being nice. I'm not picking on you.

Re: Job qualifications

Impeach Ray Lytle — Mon, 07 Jan 2008 15:19:09 -0000

They've had a very consistent media strategy since day one;

If it is something good or popular, Put Rod's name on it. Several times.

If a state agency does anything good, attribute it to Rod.

If the legislature does anything good, attribute it to Rod.

If it's a popular or good action, have Rod take credit for it. Preferably, have every state agency Director spend their entire job going to events as a Rod surrogate.

If the governor can make a comment on something that is totally out of his power or jurisdiction, from foreign policy to other state's business to sports to weather, put out a detailed, opinionated press release about it.

If an issue is complex, be sure to oversimplify it in order to pander to the highest possible number of voters.

Make up strawmen and boogiemen targets and make a big deal out of attacking them so Rod can look brave and active.

Forget failed programs as if they never existed.

Blame Bush.

Blame anybody named Madigan.

Blame George Ryan and all Republicans.

Deny any negative fact. When the denial fails, assign blame, preferably to a Madigan.

Re: Job qualifications

True Comparison — Mon, 07 Jan 2008 15:15:41 -0000

Must have the ability to retain a poised demeanor when taunted with, "Liar, liar, pants on fire".

Re: Job qualifications

Jake from Elwood — Mon, 07 Jan 2008 15:12:52 -0000

Surely these requirements were omitted. . .
*Creative writing experience is necessary.
*Must be able to cope with the smells of both manure and jet fuel, often simultaneously.
*Must be able to speak out of both sides of ones face.

Re: Job qualifications

Bill — Mon, 07 Jan 2008 15:04:52 -0000

Thanks for thinking of me but I couldn't afford the pay cut.
Little e,
Try to be nice for a change.

Re: Job qualifications

Anon from BB — Mon, 07 Jan 2008 15:00:38 -0000

* Must have a "thinking outside the box" mindset when confronting "ethics" issues

Re: Job qualifications

If It Walks Like a Duck... — Mon, 07 Jan 2008 14:43:01 -0000

Past experience in Professional Prevarication (Yeah, Morgan Fairchild is my girlfriend, that's the ticket!)