My favorite political joke is Tony Peraica...waaaaahaahahahahah!
Rich Miller
· 3 years ago
C'mon. Let's have real jokes, not predictable one-liner zingers.
The Guv
· 3 years ago
My favorite is the following:
Once I was speaking at a school on the South Side of Chicago, and when I walked out of my car, an African-American girl said, "Look, it's Mayor Daley!"
El Guv
· 3 years ago
I think that Pres of the FTPC will have the funniest joke when the day is done though.
Old Elephant
· 3 years ago
State Senator Ralph Dunn used to tell about going to a birthday party for himself:
"You know, at my age, your priorities change a little. I celebrated my birthday recently and they brought in this huge cake. I get ready to blow out the candles and all of a sudden this beautiful young girl pops out and says, 'would you like some super sex?'
"I thought for a moment and said...I'm not sure, what's the soup?"
Bob Hope
· 3 years ago
Blagojevich is a real joke
the whole Stoger thing is surreal
Pat
· 3 years ago
Sen DeLeo and now Rep Molaro tell the best jokes
T
· 3 years ago
When asked about his Holloween costume for the party, the (downstate) county treasurer said " I think I will put on a "dumb look" and go as a county board member."
B Hicks
· 3 years ago
What do you call a democrat that sleeps around? A breeding-heart liberal.
Get it?
MAGGIE
· 3 years ago
How do you know a politician's lying ? His lips are moving.
Leroy
· 3 years ago
Shamelessly stolen:
Did you hear Jeri Ryan just got engaged?
In her divorce from former Illinois Senatorial candidate Jack Ryan, Jeri complained that he had tried to get her to attend sex parties with him.
In response, Jack said the he was just trying to get the swing vote.
Walking Wounded
· 3 years ago
The Governor is running down the street one day, and he sees a little girl who is giving away puppies that her dog just had. He goes up to the girl and says, "Little girl, I think that it's wonderful that you're doing such a good thing." The little girl says, "Thank you, Mr. Daley, Would you like a puppy? They're Democrats." ARod declines and jogs onward. The next day, he jogs past the same girl and decides to talk to her again. "You know what, little girl? I think I'll take one of those puppies after all, seeing as how they're Democrats." The girl says, "I'm sorry, sir, but they're not Democrats any more. They're Republican now." ARod says, "They are? How do you know? As a matter of fact, how did you know that they were Democrats at first to begin with?" She replies, "Well, just after they were born they were Democrats, but now their eyes are open."
newswatcher
· 3 years ago
It usually begins "The Family Taxpayers Network announced today..." or in an IFI email
Wumpus
· 3 years ago
The Cook COunty voters. It was funny when they voter for a stroke victim Stroger over "reformer" Claypool. It will be funnier if they vote for Prince Toddler over Peraica.
Another funny joke is the one where Oberwies offered to draw straws, but the odds were stacked in his favor..what, that wasn't a joke?
Mad for Adlai
· 3 years ago
True then, true today: "In America, anybody can be President. That's one of the risks you take." --Adlai Stevenson
Skeeter
· 3 years ago
"President Bush announced that the federal deficit is actually $296 billion less than originally forecast. The president credits low unemployment, high job growth, and the fact that he did the math himself."---Conan O'Brien
Shelbyville
· 3 years ago
Former Sec. of State Henry Kissinger, a priest and a hippy were in a small plane that began having mechanical trouble. There were only 2 parachutes. While the priest pondered what to do, Kissinger grabbed a parachute and jumped.
The priest become distraught with worry, but the hippy announced they would both be OK. "The smartest man in the world just jumped with my backpack."
So IL Gal
· 3 years ago
I think I have to give Neil Steinbeck from the Chicago Sun Times for publishing this one. (Please forgive the blonde who's trying to repeat it.) Have shared it many times with R's and D's.
Dick Cheney reports to Pres Bush that 2 Americans have been wounded and four Brazilians have been killed. Oh no, the Pres cried....Dick, how many is a brazilian?
The Horse
· 3 years ago
Do you know what’s so really bad about Hell? Having so many politicians around....
Why is it so hard to drown a politician? Pond scum floats...
gee... these are really lawyer jokes... mmmmm ... coincidence?
ZC
· 3 years ago
So a new governor comes into office, and the old governor pats him on the back and tells him, "I left three envelopes for you on the desk. When you get into a really big problem, open the one marked number one. When you get into the next really nasty situation, open the envelope marked number two. When you get to a third major crisis, open the envelope marked three."
So sure enough, after about a year a huge crisis does indeed come about, and the governor remembers the envelopes. He goes and opens #1, which is just a tiny slip of paper that reads BLAME THE PREVIOUS ADMINISTRATION. This works beautifully, and the problem is resolved.
The second envelope reads RESHUFFLE YOUR OWN ADMINISTRATION. This again turns out to work beautifully and so when the third crisis rises, the governor quickly runs to the desk to open envelope three. Which states (drum roll) PREPARE THREE ENVELOPES.
frustrated GOP
· 3 years ago
Going bac ka few years- I Still love the top ten things Lobbiest would like to say to Gen assembly members Rich had in a very early version of Capital Fax.
anon
· 3 years ago
What do you get when you cross a crooked politician with an inept lawyer?
Chelsea.
anon
· 3 years ago
President Bush was visiting with British Prime Minister Tony Blair in London a few years back. As they were discussing their various leadership styles, the conversation turned to staff and how one finds the right people to surround themselves with. Blair comments to Bush that before he even considers someone for an advisor role, he gives them a riddle to solve. If they can solve the riddle, he will consider them further. Bush asked what the riddle was. Blair responded
If your mother and father had a child and it was not your brother and it was not your sister, who would it be?
Bush thought about it for a few minutes and was stumped. He told Blair that he gave up and asked what the answer was. Blair told him that if his mother and father had a child and if it was not his brother and it was not his sister, it would be him. Bush thought that was really cleaver.
When Bush got back to Washington, he called Carl rove into the Oval Office and told him that if he could solve this riddle, he could keep his job. Bush told him the riddle and Rove was stumped. He asked for some time to think about it and Bush gave him until the end of the day. Carl immediately went back to his office and assembled a group of other advisors and pondered the riddle all day to no avail. At the end of the day, Carl was walking back to the Oval Office and ran into Collin Powell. He asked Secretary Powell the riddle and Powell replied “That’s simple - it would be me.†Rove was so relieved to have an answer, he thanked Secretary Powell and ran into the Oval Office. Bush asked him if he had an answer. Rove replied he did. He said if my mother and father had a child and it was not my brother and it was not my sister, it would be – Collin Powell. Bush yelled back at him and said “No, you idiot, it would be Tony Blair.â€Â
SouthernILRepub
· 3 years ago
Rod Blagojevich was out jogging one morning along the parkway when he tripped, fell over the bridge railing and landed in the creek below. Before the State Police guys could get to him, three kids, who were fishing, pulled him out of the water. He was so grateful he offered the kids whatever they wanted.
The first kid said, "I want to go to Peoria."
Rod said, "No problem. I'll take you there on the State's Helicopter."
The second kid said, "I want a "Cheers" bar shirt."
Rod said, "I'll get it for you and even have George Wendt sign it!"
The third kid said, "I want a motorized wheelchair with a built-in TV and stereo headset!!"
Blagojevich is a little perplexed by this and says, "But you don't look like you are handicapped."
The kid says, "I will be after my dad finds out I saved your ass from drowning!"
Jimbo
· 3 years ago
SouthernILRepub: First off thats not funny and second off its one of the dumbest things I have ever heard. How about trying to get a real sense of humor.
HANKSTER
· 3 years ago
Rich: Why would you take off my joke?
OneMan
· 3 years ago
She: Why do you have the word Donor under your picture on your drivers license
He: Beacause I gave to the Ryan campaign...
Yes it is bad.
birds eye view
· 3 years ago
AFSCME
They are picketing the gov. mansion in Springfield. The jokes actually on them since Rod doesn't know where the mansion is.
Jimbo
· 3 years ago
Skeeter.....YAWN
Jimbo
· 3 years ago
Hey use your own name "Jimbo" posted at 11:56
Skeeter
· 3 years ago
All those comments and Jimbo singles me out for the worst? No way.
Skeeter
· 3 years ago
"President Bush, known for coining new words along with his evolving antiterror policy (think 'suiciders') described the rocket launches against Israel as 'Hezbollian attacks.'"
Oh wait. Wrong thread. Actually the above is a real comment by Mr. Bush and not a joke. My bad.
Jimbo
· 3 years ago
I did not single you out...someone used my name, which is not cool. I thought it was funny and, unlike most posts here, an actual joke!
PalosParkBob
· 3 years ago
Mayor Daley, Todd Stroger, and Maureen Murphy went out for a sail on Lake Michigan on Hizzoner's boat, the "Ghost Payroller". A furious storm suddenly struck, and the boat began to sink.
Since the boat had been prepared by the Chicago Department of "Emergency Response", they found that they only had one life preserver for a boat with a capacity of 10.
The situation was dire. Hizzoner stood up and said, "Since we all work for the greater good of the Democratic Party in Illinois, we should have an election to determine who should get the life preserver." They agreed and each began their campaign.
Todd said, "I should get the life preserver because of all my Dad's done for patronage and cronyism in Cook County."
They all nodded knowingly.
The Honorable Ms Murphy said, "I've protected many Dem candidates from Republican opposition, given big tax breaks to Dem law firm clients, and essentially dismantled the Republican Party in South Cook County."
They were all impressed.
Hizzoner said, "I'm a Daley."
Maureen and Todd looked at each other quizzically.
They all marked the name they thought should be saved on a piece of paper, and put it into a hat.
Daley counted the votes.
Daley won by five votes and was saved.
birds eye view
· 3 years ago
Never mind AFSCME left once the TV crews did. Just a joke on the people who watch the news.
Lovie's Leather
· 3 years ago
The Supreme Court ruled there cannot be a Nativity scene in Washington, D.C. this Christmas. This isn't for any religious or constitutional reason, they simply have not been able to find three wise men and a virgin in the nation's capitol. There was no problem however finding enough asses to fill the stable.
Left Leaner
· 3 years ago
A bus full of politicians is driving down an old country road to a campaign rally when the bus suddenly crashes and explodes.
A farmer sees the crash and rushes to the scene. He proceeds to bury the politicians and goes about his day.
After figuring out what happened a few days later, investigators arrive on the scene and see the graves. They ask the farmer, "Everyone died? No one survived!?"
The farmer replied, "Oh, a few said they were still alive, but you know how them politicians lie."
Rod's Brush
· 3 years ago
The only difference between Democrats and Republicans is Republicans say they're for poor people, while Democrats say they are poor people.
Anon
· 3 years ago
A U.S. Senator dies in an accident and his soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.
“Welcome to Heaven,†says St. Peter. "Because of your importance, I have orders from higher up. You'll spend one day in Hell and one in Heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.â€Â
“Really, I’ve made up my mind. I want to be in Heaven,†says the senator.
“I’m sorry, but we have our rules.â€Â
And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator, and he goes down, down, down to Hell. The doors open, and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a club, and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.
Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people. They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.
Also present is the Devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go. Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises.
The elevator goes up, up, up, and the door reopens on Heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.
“Now it’s time to visit Heaven.â€Â
So, 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.
“Well then, you’ve spent a day in Hell and another in Heaven. Now choose your eternity.â€Â
The senator reflects for a minute, then answers: “Well, I would never have said it before - I mean Heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in Hell.â€Â
So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator, and he goes down, down, down to Hell. Now the doors of the elevator open, and he’s in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags.
The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder.
“I don’t understand,†stammers the senator. “Two days ago, I was here, and there was a golf course and club, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland full of garbage, and my friends look miserable. What happened?â€Â
The devil looks at him, smiles and says, “Yesterday we were campaigning. Today you voted!!â€Â
Jimbo
· 3 years ago
Wait, I did single you out, your joke wasn't funny.
QueenB
· 3 years ago
It was announced today that Canada is now prepared to help the U.S. in it's war against terrorism. They have promised to commit 2 of their largest battleships, 6000 armed troops and 600 fighter jets.
However,after the exchange rate, that comes down to a canoe, 2 Mounties and a flying squirrel.
BuckTurgidson
· 3 years ago
OK, this one strays a touch from straight politics - but involves a group involved in politics:
Two Teamsters were walking on a job site when one stops suddenly, turns, and stomps a snail.
"Why'd 'ya do that?" his buddy asks.
"SOB's been following me around all day."
QueenB
· 3 years ago
I admit, I stole this one from Henry Hyde:
Hillary Clinton fell asleep one night and was awakened suddenly to find the ghosts of three of our greatest leaders at the foot of her bed: George Washington, Thomas Jefferson, and Abe Lincoln.
Surprised, she greeted them one by one. Hillary: "Mr. Washington, what an honor to have the Father of our Freedom visit me! I want to be a great president like you someday soon. Do you have any advice for me?" Washington: "Yes, Hillary. Always tell the truth."
Hillary: "Mr. Jefferson, what an honor to have the Author of our Constitution visit me! I want to be a great president like you someday soon. Do you have any advice for me?" Jefferson: "Yes, Hillary. Trust the people."
Hillary: "Mr. Lincoln, what an honor to have the Great Liberator visit me! I want to be a great president like you someday soon. Do you have any advice for me?" Lincoln: "Yes, Hillary. Go to the theatre."
anon
· 3 years ago
This is an oldie.
Ted Kennedy was sitting in his office when his secretary walks in and says "Ted I need to talk to you".
"What is it Sally Jo?" Ted asks.
"Ted, I think I'm pregnant!"
"Okay, just go back to your desk" says Ted.
"But what are we going to do when I start to show? Aren't you worried about that?!" Sally asks.
Says Ted..."We'll just cross that bridge when we get to it!"
Leroy
· 3 years ago
Ha! Ted Kennedy jokes! I love it....
Q: What's the difference between Ted Kennedy and a B-52 bomber?
A: One bombs bridges, and the other drives over bridges bombed.
Lovie's Leather
· 3 years ago
In the spirit of things... The Supreme Court confirmation hearings got pretty heated yesterday. Ted Kennedy questioned Judge Alito's integrity when Alito was at Princeton. As you may know, Kennedy was kicked out of Harvard for cheating. So when it comes to questionable integrity at college he knows what he is talking about.
Jaded
· 3 years ago
A country preacher had a teenage son who, like most teanage boys, had no idea what he wanted to do with his life. One day when the boy was away at school the preacher tried a little experiment.
He placed a bible, a silver dollar, and a bottle of whiskey on the boy's night stand. The preacher thought if the boy picks up the bible he will be a preacher like me. If he picks up the silver dollar he will be a great business man, and if he picks up the bottle of whiskey, he will be a lousy drunkard.
The preacher hid behind the door as the boy arrived home. The boy threw his books on his bed and looked in surprise at the three items on hims nightstand. After studying the items for a moment, he picked up the bible and put it under his arm, put the silver dollar in his pocket and uncorked the whiskey and took a big drink.
Lord have mercy whispered the preacher, he is going to be a politician.
anon
· 3 years ago
Q: How many teamsters does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: 200. You got a problem with that!!!
Skeeter
· 3 years ago
Q: How many Bush administration officials does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None. There is nothing wrong with the light bulb; its conditions are improving every day. Any reports of its lack of incandescence are a delusional spin from the liberal media.
There is no shortage of filament. That light bulb has served honorably, and anything you say undermines the lighting effect.
Why do you hate freedom?
B Hicks
· 3 years ago
Okay, let me take another shot at this.
Do you know why it’s tough to be a Republican politician? Half of your reputation is ruined by lies, and the other half is ruined by the truth.
What do Judy Topinka and a ship have in common? They’re both noisiest when lost in a fog.
Those are good, aint’em?
B Hicks
· 3 years ago
Okay, one more time.
The top 10 reasons that you Might Be A Republican:
You've named your kids "Deduction one" and "Deduction two"
You've tried to argue that poverty could be abolished if people were just allowed to keep more of their minimum wage.
You've ever referred to someone as "my (insert racial or ethnic minority here) friend"
You've ever tried to prove Jesus was a capitalist and opposed to welfare.
You're a pro-lifer, but support the death penalty.
You think Huey Newton is a cookie.
The only union you support is the Baseball Players, because heck, they're richer than you.
You think you might remember laughing once as a kid.
You once broke loose at a party and removed your neck tie.
And number 10 is:
You think Birkenstock was that radical rock concert in 1969.
Jaded
· 3 years ago
This is actually one of my favorites and I found the whole text in an old email. It does have a little profanity, so I will edit it accordingly.
Little Johnny goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?" Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way. I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism. Mommy is the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you The People. The nanny, well, consider her The Working Class. Your baby brother, we'll call him The Future. Now go think about this and see if it makes sense." So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying and runs to his room only to find that his diapers are very soiled. So the little boy goes to his parents' room. Mom is sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he looks through the peephole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand what politics is now." "Good son, tell me in your own words then what politics are." The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep s#!t."
NumbersGuy
· 3 years ago
The Clintons' maid in the White House accidentally lets Chelsea's pet parrot loose via an open window. Knowing that firing is certain, she sets off to find a suitable replacement.
After hours of searching, she finds what appears to be an identical match and runs inside the petshop, saying, "I'll take the parrot in the window, just name your price." The owner says, "Lady, I can give you a good deal, but you need to know this parrot used to live in the front room of a bordello in Georgetown." The maid was pressed for time, took the parrot and with the assistance of the Secret Service, snuck him back into the Presidential living quarters.
Later that day, Chelsea returns from school. The parrot sees her and loudly squawks, "JAILBAIT!"
Chelsea, shocked by the rude comment, runs to the east wing to tell her mother. they return to the living quarters. Upon seeing the First Lady, the parrot exclaims, "FAT A**!"
Now horrified by the language of their once kind family pet, mother and daughter proceed to the Oval Office. Taking the President in hand, the family returns together to see the foul-mouthed parrot. The parrot sees the President and squawks: "HI BILLY!"
todd
· 3 years ago
Southern Il Repub, That was a real funny joke about the kid and the wheel chair. Jimbo give it up, it was a funny JOKE!
Anon
· 3 years ago
During the Monica Lewinsky affair, I asked my younger female secretary if she wanted to play "President and Intern," she thought about it for a minute and said, "Sure." Somewhat excited, I said, "Great!" She then explained she wanted to be the President.
Bubs
· 3 years ago
Let us never forget the woman, a lifelong precinct worker for the Democratic Machine, who left instruction in her will that she was to be buried within the borders of the City of Chicago, so that she could continue to support the Party after her death.
Jimbo
· 3 years ago
Ok Skeeter, we get it, you hate Republicans....how about bringing something to the discussion, are you able to do that? God you're lame.
capitol view
· 3 years ago
her are a few oldies but goodies:
If G-d had wanted us to vote, He would have given us candidates - Jay Leno
You don't have to fool all the people all the time, just enough to get elected - Gerald Barzan
If you have a weak candidate and weak platform, wrap yourself up in the American flag and talk about the Constitution -M.S.Quay
GOP stands for 'Gluttons of Privilege" - Harry Truman
In politics, shared hatreds are almost always the basis of friendships - Alexis de Tocqueville
Too bad that all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving taxicabs and cutting hair - George Burns
All politics are based on the indifference of the majority - James Reston
I don't know a lot about politics, but I know a good party man when I see one - Mae West
In Mexico an air conditioner is called a politician, becauseit makes a lot of noise and does not work very well - Len Deighton
You've got to be crazy or an optimist to be in politics, and I prefer to think of myself as an optimist - David Peterson
-- from Politics, an Irrreverent Look at the Mighty and the Misguided by Ariel Books (1996)
Spiro T
· 3 years ago
This walks the line - apologies if it violates the rules you set.
The evening of President Clinton's second inaugural ball he approached an attractive intern standing alone in the West Wing of the White House. After striking up a conversation and learning it was her first time at the White House, he asked her if she would like to see the Presidential Clock. Clearly flattered at all of the attention the President was giving her, the young girl readily agreed.
President Clinton led her to a nearby elevator and pressed a button. Once the carriage bagan to move, the President hit the stop button and dropped his trowsers. Clearly taken aback, the young lady said, "Why Mr. President, that is NOT a clock." To which Mr. Clinton replied in his Arkansas drawl, "Put two hands and a face on it and it will be."
Democrat
· 3 years ago
" Politicians and Diapers both need to be changed often,And for the same reason "
All Comments
Once I was speaking at a school on the South Side of Chicago, and when I walked out of my car, an African-American girl said, "Look, it's Mayor Daley!"
"You know, at my age, your priorities change a little. I celebrated my birthday recently and they brought in this huge cake. I get ready to blow out the candles and all of a sudden this beautiful young girl pops out and says, 'would you like some super sex?'
"I thought for a moment and said...I'm not sure, what's the soup?"
the whole Stoger thing is surreal
A breeding-heart liberal.
Get it?
Did you hear Jeri Ryan just got engaged?
In her divorce from former Illinois Senatorial candidate Jack Ryan, Jeri complained that he had tried to get her to attend sex parties with him.
In response, Jack said the he was just trying to get the swing vote.
He goes up to the girl and says, "Little girl, I think that it's wonderful that you're doing such a good thing."
The little girl says, "Thank you, Mr. Daley, Would you like a puppy? They're Democrats."
ARod declines and jogs onward. The next day, he jogs past the same girl and decides to talk to her again. "You know what, little girl? I think I'll take one of those puppies after all, seeing as how they're Democrats."
The girl says, "I'm sorry, sir, but they're not Democrats any more. They're Republican now."
ARod says, "They are? How do you know? As a matter of fact, how did you know that they were Democrats at first to begin with?"
She replies, "Well, just after they were born they were Democrats, but now their eyes are open."
Another funny joke is the one where Oberwies offered to draw straws, but the odds were stacked in his favor..what, that wasn't a joke?
The priest become distraught with worry, but the hippy announced they would both be OK. "The smartest man in the world just jumped with my backpack."
Dick Cheney reports to Pres Bush that 2 Americans have been wounded and four Brazilians have been killed. Oh no, the Pres cried....Dick, how many is a brazilian?
Having so many politicians around....
Why is it so hard to drown a politician?
Pond scum floats...
gee... these are really lawyer jokes... mmmmm ... coincidence?
So sure enough, after about a year a huge crisis does indeed come about, and the governor remembers the envelopes. He goes and opens #1, which is just a tiny slip of paper that reads BLAME THE PREVIOUS ADMINISTRATION. This works beautifully, and the problem is resolved.
The second envelope reads RESHUFFLE YOUR OWN ADMINISTRATION. This again turns out to work beautifully and so when the third crisis rises, the governor quickly runs to the desk to open envelope three. Which states (drum roll) PREPARE THREE ENVELOPES.
I Still love the top ten things Lobbiest would like to say to Gen assembly members Rich had in a very early version of Capital Fax.
Chelsea.
If your mother and father had a child and it was not your brother and it was not your sister, who would it be?
Bush thought about it for a few minutes and was stumped. He told Blair that he gave up and asked what the answer was. Blair told him that if his mother and father had a child and if it was not his brother and it was not his sister, it would be him. Bush thought that was really cleaver.
When Bush got back to Washington, he called Carl rove into the Oval Office and told him that if he could solve this riddle, he could keep his job. Bush told him the riddle and Rove was stumped. He asked for some time to think about it and Bush gave him until the end of the day. Carl immediately went back to his office and assembled a group of other advisors and pondered the riddle all day to no avail. At the end of the day, Carl was walking back to the Oval Office and ran into Collin Powell. He asked Secretary Powell the riddle and Powell replied “That’s simple - it would be me.†Rove was so relieved to have an answer, he thanked Secretary Powell and ran into the Oval Office. Bush asked him if he had an answer. Rove replied he did. He said if my mother and father had a child and it was not my brother and it was not my sister, it would be – Collin Powell. Bush yelled back at him and said “No, you idiot, it would be Tony Blair.â€Â
Before the State Police guys could get to him, three kids, who were fishing, pulled him out of the water. He was so grateful he offered the kids whatever they wanted.
The first kid said, "I want to go to Peoria."
Rod said, "No problem. I'll take you there on the State's Helicopter."
The second kid said, "I want a "Cheers" bar shirt."
Rod said, "I'll get it for you and even have George Wendt sign it!"
The third kid said, "I want a motorized wheelchair with a built-in TV and stereo headset!!"
Blagojevich is a little perplexed by this and says, "But you don't look like you are handicapped."
The kid says, "I will be after my dad finds out I saved your ass from drowning!"
First off thats not funny and second off its one of the dumbest things I have ever heard. How about trying to get a real sense of humor.
He: Beacause I gave to the Ryan campaign...
Yes it is bad.
They are picketing the gov. mansion in Springfield. The jokes actually on them since Rod doesn't know where the mansion is.
Oh wait. Wrong thread. Actually the above is a real comment by Mr. Bush and not a joke. My bad.
Since the boat had been prepared by the Chicago Department of "Emergency Response", they found that they only had one life preserver for a boat with a capacity of 10.
The situation was dire. Hizzoner stood up and said, "Since we all work for the greater good of the Democratic Party in Illinois, we should have an election to determine who should get the life preserver." They agreed and each began their campaign.
Todd said, "I should get the life preserver because of all my Dad's done for patronage and cronyism in Cook County."
They all nodded knowingly.
The Honorable Ms Murphy said, "I've protected many Dem candidates from Republican opposition, given big tax breaks to Dem law firm clients, and essentially dismantled the Republican Party in South Cook County."
They were all impressed.
Hizzoner said, "I'm a Daley."
Maureen and Todd looked at each other quizzically.
They all marked the name they thought should be saved on a piece of paper, and put it into a hat.
Daley counted the votes.
Daley won by five votes and was saved.
A farmer sees the crash and rushes to the scene. He proceeds to bury the politicians and goes about his day.
After figuring out what happened a few days later, investigators arrive on the scene and see the graves. They ask the farmer, "Everyone died? No one survived!?"
The farmer replied, "Oh, a few said they were still alive, but you know how them politicians lie."
“Welcome to Heaven,†says St. Peter. "Because of your importance, I have orders from higher up. You'll spend one day in Hell and one in Heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.â€Â
“Really, I’ve made up my mind. I want to be in Heaven,†says the senator.
“I’m sorry, but we have our rules.â€Â
And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator, and he goes down, down, down to Hell. The doors open, and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a club, and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.
Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people. They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.
Also present is the Devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go. Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises.
The elevator goes up, up, up, and the door reopens on Heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.
“Now it’s time to visit Heaven.â€Â
So, 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.
“Well then, you’ve spent a day in Hell and another in Heaven. Now choose your eternity.â€Â
The senator reflects for a minute, then answers: “Well, I would never have said it before - I mean Heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in Hell.â€Â
So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator, and he goes down, down, down to Hell. Now the doors of the elevator open, and he’s in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags.
The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder.
“I don’t understand,†stammers the senator. “Two days ago, I was here, and there was a golf course and club, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland full of garbage, and my friends look miserable. What happened?â€Â
The devil looks at him, smiles and says, “Yesterday we were campaigning. Today you voted!!â€Â
However,after the exchange rate, that comes down to a canoe, 2 Mounties and a flying squirrel.
Two Teamsters were walking on a job site when one stops suddenly, turns, and stomps a snail.
"Why'd 'ya do that?" his buddy asks.
"SOB's been following me around all day."
Hillary Clinton fell asleep one night and was awakened suddenly to find the ghosts of three of our greatest leaders at the foot of her bed: George Washington, Thomas Jefferson, and Abe Lincoln.
Surprised, she greeted them one by one.
Hillary: "Mr. Washington, what an honor to have the Father of our Freedom visit me! I want to be a great president like you someday soon. Do you have any advice for me?"
Washington: "Yes, Hillary. Always tell the truth."
Hillary: "Mr. Jefferson, what an honor to have the Author of our Constitution visit me! I want to be a great president like you someday soon. Do you have any advice for me?"
Jefferson: "Yes, Hillary. Trust the people."
Hillary: "Mr. Lincoln, what an honor to have the Great Liberator visit me! I want to be a great president like you someday soon. Do you have any advice for me?"
Lincoln: "Yes, Hillary. Go to the theatre."
Ted Kennedy was sitting in his office when his secretary walks in and says "Ted I need to talk to you".
"What is it Sally Jo?" Ted asks.
"Ted, I think I'm pregnant!"
"Okay, just go back to your desk" says Ted.
"But what are we going to do when I start to show? Aren't you worried about that?!" Sally asks.
Says Ted..."We'll just cross that bridge when we get to it!"
Q: What's the difference between Ted Kennedy and a B-52 bomber?
A: One bombs bridges, and the other drives over bridges bombed.
The Supreme Court confirmation hearings got pretty heated yesterday. Ted Kennedy questioned Judge Alito's integrity when Alito was at Princeton. As you may know, Kennedy was kicked out of Harvard for cheating. So when it comes to questionable integrity at college he knows what he is talking about.
He placed a bible, a silver dollar, and a bottle of whiskey on the boy's night stand. The preacher thought if the boy picks up the bible he will be a preacher like me. If he picks up the silver dollar he will be a great business man, and if he picks up the bottle of whiskey, he will be a lousy drunkard.
The preacher hid behind the door as the boy arrived home. The boy threw his books on his bed and looked in surprise at the three items on hims nightstand. After studying the items for a moment, he picked up the bible and put it under his arm, put the silver dollar in his pocket and uncorked the whiskey and took a big drink.
Lord have mercy whispered the preacher, he is going to be a politician.
A: 200. You got a problem with that!!!
A: None. There is nothing wrong with the light bulb; its conditions are improving every day. Any reports of its lack of incandescence are a delusional spin from the liberal media.
There is no shortage of filament. That light bulb has served honorably, and anything you say undermines the lighting effect.
Why do you hate freedom?
Do you know why it’s tough to be a Republican politician? Half of your reputation is ruined by lies, and the other half is ruined by the truth.
What do Judy Topinka and a ship have in common? They’re both noisiest when lost in a fog.
Those are good, aint’em?
The top 10 reasons that you Might Be A Republican:
You've named your kids "Deduction one" and "Deduction two"
You've tried to argue that poverty could be abolished if people were just allowed to keep more of their minimum wage.
You've ever referred to someone as "my (insert racial or ethnic minority here) friend"
You've ever tried to prove Jesus was a capitalist and opposed to welfare.
You're a pro-lifer, but support the death penalty.
You think Huey Newton is a cookie.
The only union you support is the Baseball Players, because heck, they're richer than you.
You think you might remember laughing once as a kid.
You once broke loose at a party and removed your neck tie.
And number 10 is:
You think Birkenstock was that radical rock concert in 1969.
Little Johnny goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?" Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way. I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism. Mommy is the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you The People. The nanny, well, consider her The Working Class. Your baby brother, we'll call him The Future. Now go think about this and see if it makes sense."
So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying and runs to his room only to find that his diapers are very soiled. So the little boy goes to his parents' room. Mom is sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he looks through the peephole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.
The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand what politics is now."
"Good son, tell me in your own words then what politics are."
The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep s#!t."
After hours of searching, she finds what appears to be an identical match and runs inside the petshop, saying, "I'll take the parrot in the window, just name your price." The owner says, "Lady, I can give you a good deal, but you need to know this parrot used to live in the front room of a bordello in Georgetown." The maid was pressed for time, took the parrot and with the assistance of the Secret Service, snuck him back into the Presidential living quarters.
Later that day, Chelsea returns from school. The parrot sees her and loudly squawks, "JAILBAIT!"
Chelsea, shocked by the rude comment, runs to the east wing to tell her mother. they return to the living quarters. Upon seeing the First Lady, the parrot exclaims, "FAT A**!"
Now horrified by the language of their once kind family pet, mother and daughter proceed to the Oval Office. Taking the President in hand, the family returns together to see the foul-mouthed parrot. The parrot sees the President and squawks: "HI BILLY!"
If G-d had wanted us to vote, He would have given us candidates - Jay Leno
You don't have to fool all the people all the time, just enough to get elected - Gerald Barzan
If you have a weak candidate and weak platform, wrap yourself up in the American flag and talk about the Constitution -M.S.Quay
GOP stands for 'Gluttons of Privilege" - Harry Truman
In politics, shared hatreds are almost always the basis of friendships - Alexis de Tocqueville
Too bad that all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving taxicabs and cutting hair - George Burns
All politics are based on the indifference of the majority - James Reston
I don't know a lot about politics, but I know a good party man when I see one - Mae West
In Mexico an air conditioner is called a politician, becauseit makes a lot of noise and does not work very well - Len Deighton
You've got to be crazy or an optimist to be in politics, and I prefer to think of myself as an optimist - David Peterson
-- from Politics, an Irrreverent Look at the Mighty and the Misguided by Ariel Books (1996)
The evening of President Clinton's second inaugural ball he approached an attractive intern standing alone in the West Wing of the White House. After striking up a conversation and learning it was her first time at the White House, he asked her if she would like to see the Presidential Clock. Clearly flattered at all of the attention the President was giving her, the young girl readily agreed.
President Clinton led her to a nearby elevator and pressed a button. Once the carriage bagan to move, the President hit the stop button and dropped his trowsers. Clearly taken aback, the young lady said, "Why Mr. President, that is NOT a clock." To which Mr. Clinton replied in his Arkansas drawl, "Put two hands and a face on it and it will be."